4:06 PM, October 5, 2024, Dhaka, Bangladesh
I always thought I had lived a full life, that I had everything, and nothing in this world could pull me anymore. My dreams always pointed towards something beyond, something like heaven, maybe. But after you… it’s as if I’ve been given a second breath.
Now, all I want is to live…live more, live fully, spend every single moment in this world, and savor it. Not just because I’m here, but because you’re here.
When I think of you, I feel this uncontrollable urge to care for you in every way imaginable. Like making sure you’re alright at every moment, in every little thing. I want to cook for you, feed you as if you were a baby. Tie your shoelaces like it’s the most important task in the world. Shower you, slowly running soap over your skin, shampooing your hair with gentle fingers.
I want to feel myself through you, this weird sensation that you are somehow a part of me that I never knew existed. And even though we don’t meet for years, even when our words shared are few and scattered… you’re always there.
Sometimes I wait for your replies. Sometimes I don’t, as I get lost in my world of work, of saving people, chasing impossible dreams. But you exist, silently, in the back of my mind. As if you’re me, and I’m you.
I imagine waking up next to you, kissing your still-sleeping eyes, inhaling the scent of your breath, the warm smell of your skin. And as you sleep calmly, I run my fingers over your skin, so lightly you don’t wake up, but I feel that quiet intimacy. I want to tell the world that you’re mine, scream it from the streets with pride and joy.
Yet, in the strangest way, I feel like I’ve known you all my life, despite missing half of it. If I could time travel, I’d go back, watch you grow, shadow you, protect you from every sadness, from anything that ever made you insecure. I don’t know how to explain this. But I want to, so you know how precious you are to me.
I want you to recognize me, to really see me. And yet, I fear what would happen if you did. Life is complicated, entangled in commitments and responsibilities, both yours and mine. I’ve chosen the safer path, the one that defines my life now. But deep down, if I had even the smallest chance… I would steal you away. No one could stop me.
And even though people see me as practical, mature, defined by the structure of my work, they don’t see the real me. I’m limitless, wild, bound only by my own honesty and commitment. I am a giver. My soul exists to give. But you’ve asked for nothing, and that leaves me with no way to give you what’s inside of me.
I’ve never felt this way before, so bound and free at the same time. Now, as I sit by the window, listening to the dull sounds of the city; honking cars and grey weather. I close my eyes and imagine you here, by my side. I kiss opposite side of your right palm, tasting the earthy sweetness of your skin, and my mind drifts into a universe where my love for you have no boundaries.
I may write all my wild imaginings down, so you can see just how vast my universe is… and how much of it belongs to you.
….
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