Diary for Him , 9:12 AM, October 6, 2024, Dhaka Bangladesh
Just finished exercising. Diana and I decided to start this routine together, both feeling a bit lost, lazy, and emotionally drained. It feels good to focus on something physical, to shape ourselves again. Diana is my best friend from Lithuania.
After I finish exercising, my mind drifts back to you. I check to see if there’s a message from you, any post. I write to you often my thoughts, scattered, jumping from one thing to the next.
This morning, while I was checking YouTube, still in my workout clothes, I felt you. Your presence, your touch. I imagined you sliding into my arms, your body fitting so perfectly between my legs, your head resting on my chest.
I stroked your hair, the soft strands slipping through my fingers. I could smell you, as if you were here with me. I locked my legs around you, feeling your warmth, loving how natural, how simple it felt, like you belong there. Your scent lingered in my mind, and I held onto that moment, letting it settle deep inside me.
I watched Cha Cha Real Smooth, a movie about a young guy, 22, falling for a woman much older than him, she is 35, with an autistic daughter. She had a fiancé, but this boy believed they were soulmates.
I felt the woman’s words resonate in me when she told him that he didn’t really know himself yet, that he was too young to understand what he was feeling. I remembered saying something similar to you once. Like her, I know what it’s like to fear an unstable man, to fear being hurt. I’ve seen what it can do, how it can turn a heart to stone. Men can either protect a woman’s heart or break it so deeply that it becomes unrecognizable.
I thought back to my childhood, to the anger that filled me, the anger no one understood. I was the most protective, the one who stood guard over everyone, and yet, no one realized what I was guarding against.
I was chosen to heal, but I had to face hell before I could understand that. Now, I’ve learned how to protect my own heart, and in doing so, I can protect others too. But I wasn’t always this strong. I was just a little girl in a big, chaotic world.
Born to young parents, my mother was barely 16, my father 22. I was so creative back then. I painted, I dreamed, I learned fast. But one day, out of some twisted mix of sadness and anger, I tore all my paintings apart. I started destroying what I loved most, to harden my heart, to make it impenetrable. My mother was shocked, but she didn’t understand she was part of the reason.
I learned to sacrifice what I loved, and that’s how I survived.
My uncle abused me, emotionally, physically. He said he loved me, wanted to marry me. But I felt nothing for him, except anger and disgust. He forced himself into my life, but I resisted. Even as a child, I was morally strict, spiritually inclined, and I could never give in to him. I was a thoughtful, empathetic soul, and it drew people in, even those I didn’t want near me.
And then, my mother read my secret diary. She thought I was pulling my uncle toward me, but she didn’t know the truth, I was being abused, forced into something I never wanted. That abuse stayed with me, haunted me, until my university years. I hated men then. I wasn’t scared of them; I hated them.
But then I met someone who changed my view. This wasn’t love from my side, but he was the one who softened me, who made me see that not all men are the same. Still, my connection to him was empathetic, not romantic at first, it grew because I felt his loneliness, his pain. I wanted to rescue him, to be the light in his darkness.
And now, there’s you.
You, who feels like a piece of my spirit. It’s strange! I know you, but I don’t want to admit it. I feel you, but I push it away. I want you, but I’m afraid. I’m terrified that, just like I destroyed my paintings, I might destroy you. I fear I’ll leave you broken, torn, and I’m scared that you won’t value me enough to hold on. Because when I give myself to you, completely, I need to know if you’re strong enough to catch me, to hold me.
I know I can hold you, but can you? I saw future you can…you’re a powerful spirit. When we’re together, you will only grow stronger. I know that. But still… there’s always that doubt.
I imagine us in the morning light, the sun spilling through the window, warming your golden skin. Your body pressing against mine, your lips tracing my skin. The moment I can no longer resist, when I let go of all hesitation, and we unite completely.
Your hand sliding up my thigh, your breath on my soft fleshy chest, our bodies moving in rhythm, the heat between us growing.
We’re in our own universe, floating together in the dark. Time has stopped. Nothing exists but you and me, locked in this moment, craving each other like we’ve been waiting for this forever.
I kiss you from head to toe, taste your skin, every part of you. We become one spirits intertwined, bodies melting into each other.
In those moments, will you be able to stay practical as you said? Or you forget the world, to rise above it all, just you and me, lost in each other!
Your lips bite into mine, and as you taste the blood from my lips, I feel the wildness inside both of us. Our bodies, our tongues, our breathe… all dances together.
I fit perfectly in your arms. And when I’m on top of you, my bare skin in your hands, every movement I make, I feel your body responding.
Your sweat, your heartbeat, everything pulsing in time with me.
When it’s just us, nothing else matters. You and I are real.
And in that space, what will you do?
Will you stay grounded, or will you let yourself float above the earth with me?
….
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