Diary for Him, 8:17 AM, October 7, 2024
I’ve been trying to reduce my social media use… but I couldn’t resist checking on you. I wrote you a message, then deleted it. You don’t check in time, and sometimes I feel this strange fear, like the bond we’ve created is something I need to protect, or hide. So I delete my words.
There’s this calm inside me since we exchanged hearts, like you’re here with me, even when you’re not. But I know I’ll have to return it when you come here to Bangladesh. And that scares me, the idea of becoming so used to you, to this feeling of having you. I found I’ve saved so many of your pictures in a folder. Saving memories has always been my thing. But deleting them… that’s something I do out of fear. Fear of being stuck in the past, afraid it’ll stop me from moving forward.
I’m missing you, and I’m not supposed to. I fear that too. I’ve been fighting it, but it feels pointless. I always knew your spirit would overpower mine, that once I was tamed, I’d be trapped. And now, I fear what will happen next.
It’s a sunny day, and I’m happy. I’ve started a new routine. I’m cozy, calm, and determined to finish everything on my plate. But I worry. I worry that missing you will derail me, steal my focus, change my plans. I’ve already started thinking about moving to the country you live in. It’s a dangerous thought. I don’t want to make a mistake because what I’m doing is my life’s purpose. You and I, we have so many challenges to face. There’s this magnetic pull between us, and I fear it’ll change everything.
Love is so powerful! It can change the course of everything. And I’m afraid of that love, but I’m also so content with it. Your untouched, fresh heart, it flows through me, like I pump through yours. I feel safe in knowing we’re there for each other, no fear of losing one another. But I do fear losing myself in you.
I need you to learn how to hold my spirit. When two spirits unite, it’s so beautiful that they can lose themselves in each other. But that’s not why they come together. It’s to build something bigger, to create, to protect. I still don’t know what our purpose is, but I hope we find it when we meet. Maybe it’s to heal each other’s hearts completely. I feel you’re healing mine while am healing yours!
This morning, I imagined you here with me. You woke up, and I brushed my fingertips across your face. The warmth of my skin touched yours, and I pulled you into me, onto my lap. You leaned down, and we kissed.
Every time we kiss, we exchange more than breath. There’s this electric current in our blood, this undeniable energy between us. You pulled my shirt up and rubbed yourself against my skin. I could almost see the future, the possibility of carrying our child, of feeling life growing inside me.
I used to fear having a son because I didn’t trust myself to raise him into a good man. But with you, I see the best father. I see our healthy, intelligent children. I’ve never seen this far ahead before with anyone else. I don’t know if it’s a wild vision or something real, but it feels so vivid when I imagine you kissing my belly, lying your head there to hear the heartbeat of our baby.
Yesterday, I saw our children running around the room, and you pulled me into another, pressing me against the wall. Your hands were everywhere before I could even react, and I felt that same spark. How many times have we made love? Can you even count?
Our children’s laughter mingling with my own as you move inside me…every touch, every breath shared between us. You are mine.
Maybe I’ve gone mad. When your name flashes on my cell phone screen, I hear it’s ringing, I feel nervous, not knowing what to say because I feel you everywhere. What words could possibly capture that? Maybe one day you’ll call, and I’ll just listen, saying nothing, because I’ll already feel everything.
I don’t usually talk on the phone, especially not long conversations, but with you… what if you called me and we were alone? In a room, just the two of us. Would we talk, or would our bodies speak for us?
Would I touch you slowly, or attack you with all the hunger I’ve been holding inside? Or maybe I’d do both.
I want you to be confident, to love me deeply, even in your wildest dreams.
I want you to know who you’re touching, to make me feel like I know exactly who I’m holding. Can you feel what it’s like to be fully present, to let your conscious and subconscious merge? Can you see how my body shifts, how its colors change under your hands?
Have you ever painted a body without colors? Would you learn to do that with me, to explore your hidden talent?
If intimacy were meant to be shared openly with the world, maybe it would’ve been written that way in the book of Heaven. But it wasn’t. This is sacred, and you and I, we’re not just ordinary people. We protect each other, and together, we protect something bigger.
We unite for a purpose, even if we don’t fully understand it yet.
Do you feel the difference when I sit on you, when I suck your thumb, each finger? When I kiss your jawline, your neck, and slowly trace my wet tongue across your chest, down your belly? Can you feel me moving lower, our eyes locked for a brief moment before I take you in?
I drink you in, every drop, every part of you… this connection between us, this intimacy, is so much more than physical…it’s everything!
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